First Birthday Without My Daughter. Should I Celebrate?
When we lose our child, we question many things we used to take for granted. For example, some people have said they don’t know how to respond when asked how many children they have. We’ve all been asked that question many times. And we respond without even thinking. But now, a basic question like that makes you really stop and think. Another question some of us wrestle with is should I celebrate the first birthday without my daughter or son?
When your child is no longer here to celebrate their birthday, you question what you should do. Should I celebrate my child’s birthday and what will the first birthday without my daughter or son be like? I’ve read comments by people wanting to know what other people do to celebrate or if it’s even proper to gather for a celebration.
I believe we do what feels right for us at the time. This is how I’ve been handling anything regarding my daughter this past year. I have no idea how I will feel next year or 5 years from now. But for now, I do what feels right at that moment.
So, if we want to have a birthday party for our child, we should. If we don’t want to acknowledge the day because it’s too painful, then that’s okay too. If we want to honor our child in some special way, then that’s great. We just need to do what helps us get through our grief and loss. And do what helps us feel the energy of our child around us.
So that’s exactly what I did for the first birthday without my daughter.
Flag Day Birthday
Kelsey was born on June 14, which is Flag Day. Of course this was one of the happiest days of my life even if I was in excruciating labor for 13 hours. My husband was so excited we were having a “Flag Day baby” that he searched the entire garage looking for the flag to hang outside.
On one of Kelsey’s last visits home, we talked about how I always made such a big deal that she was born on Flag Day. She reminded me that I would always make red, white, and blue cupcakes with American flags on them for her to take into school. And her friends were not impressed when she would proudly announce that her cupcakes were red, white and blue because she was born on Flag Day. We had fun laughing about that.
Last year I retired from my teaching career on Kelsey’s birthday. Although June 14 was my retirement date, I made sure my coworkers knew it was Kelsey’s birthday and flag day. I guess I never stopped making a big deal out of that special day.
Birthday Regrets
Many of us who have lost a child have regrets. Regrets can drive you crazy because it becomes a negative cycle inside your head. I decided a few years ago, during Kelsey’s addiction, that I was not going to live with regrets. I knew I had done everything I could to help her and had no control over what she did. That served my mental health well over the past couple of years.
So now, I’m still trying to live this new life of loss without regret. But, easier said than done. Little regrets creep into my head once in a while, which I know is normal in the grieving process.
It’s funny the different feelings you have and the things you do regret when you lose your child. One regret is about her last birthday on earth, my retirement day, Flag day.
Kelsey was living in New York state with her boyfriend at the time. I texted her that day to wish her a happy birthday but I knew she was busy working a long shift as a server. I never sent her a card or gift and I regret I wasn’t able to celebrate or talk to her that day. But because of her addiction and drug use, her birthday hadn’t been the same for a few years anyway. We hardly ever celebrated in recent years and I was always hesitant about buying her a gift for fear she might pawn or sell it. Knowing we hadn’t really celebrated anyway the last couple years, that last birthday still made me feel regretful.
My anxiety kicked in few weeks before the actual day. I began putting pressure on myself that I needed to do something really special for my daughter to celebrate her birthday. I was filled with such mixed emotions since I hadn’t seen or talked to Kelsey last year on her birthday. Those feelings of guilt and sadness hung like a dark cloud over my head for a week before her actual day along with my “regular” feelings of grief and sadness.
So, again, I had that little voice in my head kicking up my anxiety level (here we go again with that little voice in my head.) And I knew from experience that the anticipation is worse than the actual day. My husband and son helped talk me down from my self-imposed pressure of “doing something special”. They helped me realize that whatever we did to celebrate Kelsey’s birthday would be special.
Let’s Celebrate
And then it came to me. I knew exactly what I wanted to do for the first birthday without Kelsey.
When she was a kid, we combined Kelsey’s birthday celebration with her cousin, who was born on June 13th. I decided that this year, a small gathering of our family to celebrate Kelsey and Chris’ birthdays felt right. We hadn’t celebrated together in a few years. The dynamics of the family had changed quite a bit over the years so the birthday get togethers just kind of faded away.
I baked some red, white and blue cupcakes with flags for Kelsey. I bought Chris an ice cream cake. We sang Happy Birthday to both Kelsey and Chris and blew out candles. We decorated small wooden American flags and wrote a message to Kelsey on the back of each one. My family has done a few crafts before to honor Kelsey. That’s probably why no one complained. We hung the flags on a “Kelsey Tree” that I still had from Christmas.
So, Kelsey’s birthday turned out just the way I wanted. We celebrated in a personal, intimate way with family. It brought back memories of the times we celebrated together all those years ago. It was perfect and it felt right. And the best part was that I knew Kelsey’s energy was there celebrating her birthday with her family.
I hope that you, too, have been able to celebrate your child’s birthday in the way that feels right for you.
Happy Birthday to all of our children.
Karen
