This Is My Story Of Living With My Daughter’s Addiction

It’s important for me that I tell my story about living with my daughter’s addiction and how it all began. And, how I have been able to keep hope alive during it all. Over these past ten years, my life has been filled with many different emotions and experiences. But I hope that you are able to gain some inspiration from my experience.  That’s all I can offer.

Here is my story that I need to tell.

When Did My Story Begin?

I could tell you that my story of grief began on September 11, 2019.  My beautiful daughter Kelsey lost her 10-year battle with addiction and passed away on that day. Or did my story of grief begin on November 6, 2011? That was the day I found out that my beautiful daughter Kelsey was addicted to heroin.

My feelings of pain, sadness, sorrow and despair I felt on September 11th aren’t exclusive to that day. No, I have felt every single one of these emotions over the past 9 years dealing with Kelsey’s addiction. 

So, I’ve asked myself this question… Did I really lose Kelsey on 9/11/19 or had I already lost her many years ago when addiction entered her life?

Welcome To The Nightmare Of Living With Addiction

My husband called me downstairs because my brother, sister-in-law and niece had stopped over our house. As I entered the room, they were huddled on the couch looking somber. I knew immediately something was wrong.  My stomach was in a knot as I asked, “What’s wrong?  Is everybody okay?”

They had the dirty job of delivering the news.  “Kelsey is addicted to heroin.”

I don’t remember who said the words but I felt shock waves race through my body. This gut-wrenching feeling is something I will never forget.  I felt it again, many times over the next 9+ years. The final time I felt it was when I got that dreaded phone call in the middle of the night.

I can still see the look of worry and sadness on my family’s faces as they watched the pain enter my body.

My husband and I were clueless that Kelsey was using drugs. We missed the signs, I guess. When we heard that Kelsey was addicted to heroin, we were in complete shock. My niece had been suspicious for awhile. This was difficult for her because she and Kelsey were not just cousins but friends. Apparently, Kelsey had been into this for awhile. Thank God she told her parents.

They loved Kelsey but didn’t want to tell us this awful news until they had proof. They feared our reaction would be one of rejecting the news, denial, disbelief or blame.  Typical reactions when you hear news like this. I never doubted what they were telling me was true. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my daughter was using heroin.

Those 5 words led my family down a path of heart wrenching sorrow, anger, despair and hopelessness for years. 

Those words changed the life my family and I had known up to that point. It destroyed my daughter long before the overdose.

Life would never again be the same.

I Was Clueless About Addiction

We were clueless about Kelsey using drugs and we were clueless about addiction. Little did I know that I would become a parent who was living with addiction in their lives.

I didn’t know that it was a disease of the body, mind and spirit. How would I know that addiction destroys an addict physically by rotting their teeth and having their skin break out? That they lose their appetite so their body melts away, and it collapses their veins?

I had no idea that addiction had the ability to destroy them mentally.  That it might slow cognitive functioning, inhibit their ability to make rational decisions or affect their memory.  How it destroys their self-esteem and strips them of any feelings of goodness that they ever felt about themselves. It robs them of their spirit and soul and this was the most shocking to learn. I didn’t know that an addict would feel lower than low, ashamed, guilty, helpless and hopeless because of their disease.

Addiction is a disease that can be arrested but never cured.  An addict lives with the fear of relapse for the rest of their lives. 

Learning About Addiction

I didn’t know. But I was learning. I was one of those people who judged that scruffy, dirty person walking down the road who looked like a drug addict. Now, that was my daughter.

So, after working on my own recovery, I learned how this disease was really affecting my daughter. I began to show empathy for the pain this disease was causing her and to understand her struggle of living with addiction. 

And I did learn that I could still love my daughter but hate the disease.  The disease didn’t have to define her. I had to learn this over time.  Sadly, I also learned how this disease would ultimately destroy my family.

It was difficult for me to understand how my little girl who I took to dance class, watched run on the soccer field and graduate from college was now someone I couldn’t stand to be around. She became so difficult.  She became combative, confrontational, easily agitated, a liar and a thief.

“What happened to my daughter?”  “How is this possible?”

Heroin, that’s how.

Heroin’s Rollercoaster Ride

When we got the news, we sprang into action.  We can fix this by making her go to rehab. We researched rehabs, checked insurance, called for available beds and asked lots of questions. Guess we didn’t count on the fact that she would fight, kick and scream her way there, have a friend bust her out after a day and refuse to go back.

Thus, began the journey of living with someone who is an active user.  It became a rollercoaster ride of emotions for everyone. 

Love, hate, shame, guilt, hope, grief, pain, agony and disgust to name just a few. We entered a world of chaos and insanity. And I was grieving my daughter. I was grieving who she was before addiction and who she could have been without addiction in her life. I compared living through addiction as experiencing the 5 stages of grief when someone dies. Although we hadn’t physically lost her yet, I knew I couldn’t fix her. It was so sad but by the 20+ time Kelsey went into rehab, I didn’t even know she went. 

But I Never, Ever Lost Hope

So, my question was, did I actually lose my beautiful daughter on that Sunday afternoon in November, 2011? Yes, I lost her. I lost her to evil.  And this evil changed who she was and what she might have become. 

But here’s the good news. There were those moments and times when I “saw” her again.  I knew that my girl was still in there and I keep those moments close to my heart.

I never lost my love for Kelsey or hope that she would find her way back. Even during the most horrendous of times. It certainly wasn’t always easy to keep that hope alive but I did. My emotions were strung so tight, I was afraid I would snap. But I never gave up hope even when our family was being torn apart and my marriage was falling to pieces. I was always keeping the hope alive even if no one else was doing the same.

I never lost hope, ever. 

Toward the end of her journey, Kelsey was in a constant struggle with her disease.  She didn’t want to continue living with addiction and she absolutely wanted to recover, that I know. Watching Kelsey fight and struggle for so many years was heartbreaking. 

Experiencing the deaths of boyfriends and friends to this ugly disease was becoming too much for her to handle anymore. I truly believe that Kelsey was growing tired. She was hurting and felt broken.  But recovery is not for the weak of mind or heart.  It is a daily fight and a lifelong struggle to stay clean.  Sadly, I don’t think she had it in her to fight anymore. 

But still, I never gave up hope.

What I Hope For Now

Since Kelsey’s battle is over, you might think I’ve lost hope. Now that Kelsey’s gone, what could I possibly hope for? As crazy as it sounds, I still haven’t lost hope. I’m still keeping my hope alive.

Of course, the hope of having my daughter recover from drugs was lost.  Hope for her to find peace and serenity from this terrible disease was not meant to be. Now my hope is that she is finally resting and finding some peace because her battle is over. 

My hope that she is happy.

I know I will see her again, whatever that might look like.

I hope she is jumping on the clouds and sliding down rainbows.

And I hope I will be able to continue to live my life without Kelsey being here. 

This hope continues because it helps to push me forward through my grief. It is part of the healing process that works for me. When we are grieving, people might say to us, “At least now, she’s at peace,” or “Her struggle is finally over” or “She’s not suffering anymore.”  These are words we don’t want to hear from others. But, when we are ready, it is important for us to hear those words for ourselves on our own terms.

We know that hope hasn’t been lost, it’s just changed. 

Hope is a positive word for me.  I have it tattooed on my wrist.  It will continue to be a positive word for me because I have chosen hope and not despair. Losing your child to an overdose can easily lead us to despair.  But we do have a choice in how we deal with the death of our child. 

We can choose hope. Let’s continue to keep our hope alive.

Please think about choosing hope if you are despairing over the loss of your beautiful son or daughter.  Trust that it will help in your healing.

Thank you so much for reading.

Karen