The Backstory Behind The 5 Stages Of Grief
I think most of us have heard of the 5 Stages Of Grief. These stages are referred to when we lose a loved one. But many of us may not have a true understanding of the 5 stages of grief.
Did you know the stages weren’t written about how people grieve after someone dies? They were originally written about the emotions of terminally ill patients. The emotions they faced as they confronted their illness and eventual death.
In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, wrote the book “On Death and Dying.” Based on research, observations and interviews with her patients, she wrote this groundbreaking book.
Over the years, the stages have been misunderstood by many people.
The 5 Stages were never meant to make our feelings about grief be placed into neat little boxes. They are basically an outline of what emotions we might expect to feel while grieving. Although these emotions are natural responses to our loss, they may not always be typical responses.
And that’s because our grief is as individual as we are.
It’s important to note that we don’t necessarily move through these stages of grief in order. We can skip a stage, shift between them or not even go through each one of the stages. Understanding the 5 stages of grief can help us identify how we may be feeling. They help us learn how to live without our loved one.
STAGE 1: DENIAL
Denial is the first stage. We are in a state of shock when we hear the news of our child or any loved one’s passing. We may deny the news and wonder how we can go on without our loved one. During this time, life feels unreal.
This stage acts as a coping mechanism for survival. It helps us survive and cope with the loss. Our brain needs time to process the information it has received. It helps us to not feel so overwhelmed by the news all at once. But the denial eventually fades and the reality of the situation begins to surface.
This is when the healing actually begins.
STAGE 2: ANGER
We may begin to feel anger when the shock begins to wear off. We begin to look for answers and lay blame. “Why her?” “It’s not fair.” “Why did God take him?” “It was his girlfriend’s fault he died.”
Anger is a very necessary, natural and important stage for those of us who are grieving.
Experiencing grief can make you feel unsteady, like your life has no structure anymore. Anger can actually give you something to hold onto when you are feeling this nothingness. Anger has the opportunity to fade more quickly when it is outwardly expressed rather than held inside. A grieving person needs to truly feel his or her anger and express it so the healing can continue.
STAGE 3: BARGAINING
We want our old life back. The one where our child was still with us. You’ll do or say anything to get your precious loved one back. So we ask God, “Please God, do this for me and I’ll do that for you.” We are trying to avoid the pain of our loss by making a deal.
This is bargaining. But we are filling ourselves with false hope.
We begin making those “What if?” and “If only” statements. We think we could have somehow saved our loved one. This is the guilt we feel, bargaining’s partner. We are desperate to change this horrible ending.
STAGE 4: DEPRESSION
In the bargaining stage we are still not quite dealing with the reality of our situation.
But when we enter the stage of depression, reality hits. Depression is what’s called a “present” emotion. We are in reality now.
A feeling of great emptiness enters us as we begin to realize that our loved one is really gone. Much deeper grief becomes a part of our life, where the pain of loss is intense. We may withdraw, feel overwhelmed and wonder how we can go on living. This depression might feel like it will last forever.
Grief is a healing process and depression is a necessary step in the process.
STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is the stage where we might start to feel more stable in our emotions.
We have re-entered life and are now ready to accept our new reality. A reality where our child is no longer with us. But we may never be “all right” or “okay” with what has happened but accept the reality of the situation. We learn to live with it. And there are good days and bad days.
We have returned to the reality of our loved one never returning. However, we may still want to live our life as it was before we lost our child. Eventually, little bits of acceptance enter our lives . We begin to realize life cannot be maintained as it once was.
We have to change and readjust our lives. Now the good days may start to outnumber the bad days. We begin living again. But before we can truly start living again, it’s important to make sure we have given our grief the time it needs. Grief is a process and we need as much time as it takes to process our grief.
But now that we have a better understanding of the 5 stages of grief, we can have a better understanding of ourselves.
The 7 Stages Of Loss
Years later, Dr. Kubler-Ross refined her 5-stage model to a more in-depth model, the 7 Stages of Loss. It included Shock and Testing. The 7-Stages of Loss Model: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance.
Shock: When we experience shock, we feel emotionless, almost paralyzed. This is the first stage we experience before Denial.
Testing: We may experience testing before we experience Acceptance. This is when we may begin testing our “new” life without our loved one. We might look for realistic solutions to help us rebuild our lives.
Personal Loss In Other Areas Of Life
Dr. Kubler-Ross co-authored a book with David Kessler titled “On Grief and Grieving”
In this book, Dr. Kubler-Ross was able to expand her model to include personal loss in other areas of our lives, not just the death of a loved one. These areas are: divorce or the ending of a long-term relationship, loss of job or income, addiction, incarceration, disease, major rejection or even infertility.
When we suffered the trauma of losing our child, most of us probably went through the 5 stages of grief or are still going through them. But, have you thought about whether you’ve ever gone through these stages in another area of your life?
Grieving The Loss Even Before Death
I have. And I can say with certainty that I experienced these stages when living with my daughter’s addiction. I can still remember thinking how I was grieving the loss of her even though she was still here. Each stage was like grieving her death because addiction took her away long before she died.
If you look hard enough, you will begin to see how these stages can be applied to an area of your life when a major life crisis or trauma occurs. Knowing about these stages of grief does not provide us with coping strategies. It does not provide suggestions on how to heal. It does not erase the pain. But understanding the 5 stages of grief gives us a better perspective as to what our grief might look like, what to expect and that it’s normal to feel a certain way when we are grieving.
I am grateful that I was familiar with these these stages during Kelsey’s addiction. They helped me grieve her. And I am grateful for these stages when Kelsey passed away. They gave me a deeper perspective in helping me grieve her again.
I hope knowing more about the 5/7 stages of grief and loss will help you better understand the grief you are experiencing.
Thank you for continuing with me on my journey of grief.
Karen
