7 Things I’ve Learned Since Child Loss
I love to learn new things and I’ve learned many things since child loss. Certainly, being a grieving parent isn’t one of the ways I’d have chosen to learn something new.
However, I’d like to share with you the 7 most important things I’ve learned since my child’s loss.
The idea for this article came from a grief blog I follow on Facebook called A Bed For My Heart. Angela Miller, author of the blog, has written some great articles that really spoke to the grief I’ve been feeling.
She wrote an article called “7 Things I’ve Learned Since The Loss Of My Child.” I could easily relate to the things she put on her list because I’ve been learning many of the same things. If you visit her website, www.abedformyheart.com, she goes into more detail in her article, “The 7 Things I’ve Learned Since The Loss Of My Child.”
Here is her list.
- Love Never Dies.
- Bereaved Parents Share An Unspeakable Bond
- I Will Grieve For A Lifetime
- It’s a Club I Can Never Leave But Is Filled With The Most Shining Souls I’ve Ever Known
- The Empty Chair/Room/Space Never Becomes Less Empty
- No Matter How Long It’s Been, Holidays Never Become Easier Without My Son
- Because I Know Deep Sorrow, I Also Know Unspeakable Joy
Deciding To Learn And Grow
Reading her article got me thinking. I “get” every one of the things she’s listed. But in my head, I knew I had my own list. So, I figured I’d write an article and give my perspective on the things I’ve learned since my child’s death. A horrible loss and unfathomable grief have been put upon my shoulders.
Now what am I going to do with it?
Am I going to give into the grief and let my life fall apart forever?
Or am I going to learn and grow from this tragedy the best I can?
I’ve decided to learn and grow. But that’s just me. You may not be ready to choose that path or may never choose it. But please stay and continue to read. Just maybe, one of these things will speak to your grief-stricken soul and help you in some way.
A List of 7 Things I’ve Learned Since Child Loss
1. We Are Here On Earth For LOVE
My grief counselor helped me really understand why we’re here on this earth. LOVE.
John Lennon said it best, “All you need is LOVE.”
She summed it up this way. We’re all connected by invisible cords of energy called love. We depend on each other to use our connected energy to help us survive. We do this by connecting with love and NOT with anger, fear or resentment. That’s why being around this type of negative energy drains us. And I know that’s the reason I’ve chosen love in how I grieve rather than being angry or resentful.
Also, we need relationships on this earth to help heal our souls. Each relationship we have provides us with an opportunity to learn and grow.
Knowing this has helped in my grieving process. I know Kelsey was here to help both of us learn and grow from each other. And we did. Although Kelsey isn’t here in the physical form, I know she can feel the vibration of my words and feelings. Our cords of energy are still connected.
She can still feel my love.
2. Every Soul Has Its Own Journey
Each one of us here on earth is a soul. Every soul is here to carve out its own life’s journey. We are in control of our own life. So why is everyone always trying to control everyone else’s life?
As parents, many of us try to control our children’s lives even after they’re grown. Certainly, I am guilty of trying to control my daughter’s life throughout her addiction. I felt like I knew what was best for her. It took me a long time to realize that Kelsey was on her own journey and I was not in control.
This is also true with the grieving process. Some people try to control how they think we should be grieving. They do this by offering advice, making suggestions or telling us what we should be doing. We learn to listen and let it go. They are not in control of our grief. We are.
Each of us is a soul who is on its own journey.
3. Life Is About Choices
We get to choose how we are going to live our lives. We can choose if we are going to live a life of love or fear. It’s all about choices.
My mom once told me that when she woke up every morning, she had a choice as to what kind of day she was going to have. She could choose to have a good day or bad day but it was her choice. Such good advice.
So, we get to choose how we’re going to grieve. Are we going to choose love and learning to help us move forward with our grief? Or, are we going to choose getting stuck in our grief living in fear, anger or resentment?
None of us was given the choice to become the parent of a child who has died. Who would ever choose that?
But we do have the choice of how we deal with our grief. We can choose our own path and not listen to anyone who tries to tell us how to grieve. It is ultimately up to us.
4. Energy Never Disappears But Changes Form
The Law of Conservation states that energy cannot be created or destroyed. The total amount of energy in the universe never changes. But it can easily change from one form to another. We know our bodies are all made of energy.
So, what does all this mean?
It means, to me, that Kelsey has just changed forms. Physically, she may no longer be here but her energy lives on in the universe. Her energy is all around and is now filled with peace and love.
It means that I can still have a relationship with Kelsey but it’s just different now. I can still talk to her, tell her how I’m feeling and she can let me know she’s around. But I have to be open enough to allow myself to feel her energy presence. It’s not always easy to do this but I’m working on it. It’s a knowing I feel in my gut so it feels right.
5. Deal With Grief In The Present Moment
I’ve learned that each time we lose someone it brings up losses from our past. If we haven’t grieved or processed those losses, the pain of the current loss can become more intense. It does us no good to bury our grief, hide it, run away from it or not deal with it at all. Because it will fester inside until we are forced to deal with it.
My grief counselor helped me realize this. It made sense because I experienced this in my own life.
Over the past year, I’ve dealt with the loss of a very close cousin, my best friend and my daughter. During that time, my brother was also very seriously ill. I was also trying to help Kelsey grieve the loss of two boyfriends and a few very close friends and acquaintances due to overdose. It was a lot of trauma occurring at the same time with no breathing room in between.
Aside from the pain of her addiction, Kelsey was suffering a lot of emotional pain. I felt her pain as my own. On more than one occasion I remember her saying to me, “I don’t know how to do this death thing.” I tried to reassure her that nobody knows how to “do this death thing” but that I thought it was important to talk about your grief and not bury your emotions.
I believe most addicts have difficulty dealing with their emotions. That’s part of the reason they use drugs.
Talking about emotions, especially painful ones, brings up a lot of uncomfortable feelings inside. It’s difficult to sit with yourself and deal with those feelings because it’s painful. It’s much easier to dull that horrible pain with drugs or alcohol.
But when Kelsey did talk to me about her feelings, she told me it always made her feel better.
Now here I am talking about the death of my daughter. Does it make me feel better? Yes, it does, as painful as it can be sometimes.
My husband is the person I am able to share my feelings with the most. It wasn’t always like that living with the insanity of addiction in our family. We were at odds with each other many times dealing with our daughter’s addiction. But now we desperately need each other. We need each other to talk to, share our feelings and just talk about our daughter. If one of us is having a “heavy” day, as we now call it, we understand without having to explain. We both know. Both of us were there.
I can also talk about child loss grief with close friends. They are there to lend support, let me cry and just listen. I know it’s unhealthy to bury my emotions because they’ll just bottle up inside and make me sick. So, I don’t hide how I’m feeling. I let my friends and family know if I’m having a “heavy” day and they understand. I feel free to talk about my feelings and about my daughter.
6. Love is eternal it never dies
If energy cannot be destroyed and Kelsey’s energy is now surrounding me, then our love for each other has not ended.
I know my love for Kelsey has not died because I feel it every single minute of every single day. Although I know how much Kelsey loved me, how can I know that she still does? I know because her energy is alive in the universe. Her energy is now vibrating at a much higher level, a level of pure love.
As I mentioned, I can still have a relationship with Kelsey. I just have to learn to experience it in a different way. Love and relationships are eternal. They never die.
This may be something you don’t believe. But my grief counselor has helped me learn things about love and grief that I had not experienced before. And they have become very important in helping me grieve.
7. I Can Experience Joy Again
When we lose our child, we think that we will never be able to experience any kind of joy or happiness again. But, I have. And let me tell you, I felt guilt and was wondering what was wrong with me when I did. I’ve thought, I had the absolute worse possible thing ever happen to me. How can I be laughing, enjoying myself and actually having an occasional feeling of happiness? How can that be?
But it’s possible because I know that’s what my daughter would want. And that’s what I want. I am choosing to try and find some joy and happiness when I can. Believe me, it’s not easy. There have been plenty of days when I’ve been incredibly sad and the pain just rips apart my heart. I still get depressed, angry and cry. And I think about my daughter every, single day. Sometimes it feels like every single minute. But the key for me is that I don’t stay in that place for too long because I don’t want to get swallowed up by my grief. I know I have to continue moving forward so I can still live the life that I want. And maybe that life will include some joy again.
So, these are the things I’ve learned since the loss of my child. I know I will continue to learn how to manage this journey of grief that I will be on for the rest of my life. I hope that you, too, have learned something here that might help you in your journey.
Thanks for reading.
Karen
