Help A Grieving Parent

If you want to help a grieving parent, I can tell you that the words below are what NOT to say.

“Someone asked me, You’re not over it yet?”

“People tell me that I’m lucky to have other children.” 

“When I talk about my son, I can see it makes people uncomfortable.”

“A family member told me it was time to move on.  It’s only been a few months.”

“I can’t believe how well you’re handling this.”

How many of us have had someone say something like this? These are real words from real people talking to one of us; a grieving parent.

Okay, so we understand that people are uncomfortable. We understand that people don’t know what to say.  And we get it that maybe they’re not thinking before they speak.

But don’t they understand how much their words can hurt?

The Silence Is Deafening

And what about the other people who say nothing at all?  Their silence is deafening and hurts just as much as the insensitive words that other people say to us. Personally, this hurts the most.

Over this past year, I have been in social situations with various friends and acquaintances. When someone I know doesn’t ask or acknowledge the loss of my daughter, it’s truly heartbreaking. I understand that it is uncomfortable for people. I know they are not being mean so I choose not to take offense.

But it still hurts.

So, I always try to bring my daughter’s name up in the conversation so they know I want to talk about her. But that doesn’t mean I still haven’t gone home and had myself a good cry.

People Are Afraid

Death is a natural part of life.  We all know that. It’s the circle of life.  But we also know that losing a child is not the natural order of things.  It’s not the way the circle of life is supposed to work.  I believe that is why the pain is so great.

Most people don’t seem to know what to say, what to do or how they should act around a person who is grieving, especially a grieving parent.  Why do so many people say the insensitive things they do about grief?   Or why do some people say nothing at all?

I believe that people are afraid. They don’t know what to do to help a grieving parent.

They are afraid of seeing the other person get upset. Afraid they could easily be in our shoes grieving instead of one of us.  Or maybe they are afraid of making themselves feel uncomfortable because death and grief are uncomfortable subjects. All of this is too scary for others to think about.

Start The Conversation About Grief

But we have to stop being afraid of the conversation.  If death is a natural part of life, we have to stop being scared of talking about it. 

I am blessed.  No one has said anything like that to me. 

Friends, family, neighbors and acquaintances have been kind, loving and supportive when I lost my daughter to an overdose.  Overdose death of a child is not a comfortable subject for anyone.  But my friends and family listened and acknowledged the tragic circumstances surrounding my daughter’s passing. They weren’t afraid of making themselves uncomfortable and I will be forever grateful for that.

List Of 7 Positive Things To Help A Grieving Parent

There are many lists on the internet of what NOT to say to a grieving parent. I listed a few of those things at the beginning of my article. But maybe that’s too negative on which to focus. So, I decided to make a list of the positive things you can offer to a grieving parent. 

1. Say Our Child’s Name

“One of the greatest gifts I can receive is when someone says my child’s name.”  I agree. I say my daughter’s name and tell stories about her in my conversations.  But when another person shares a story or says her name without my prompting, I am filled with joy.

We want to talk about them in our conversations with you.  Please share a memory of them with us, a funny story or bring up their name.  It is the greatest gift we can receive knowing that you haven’t forgotten our child.

2. Just Listen

I had people offer to come over, go to lunch or just sit with me.  But the one thing attached to each of these offers were the words, “I’m here to listen.” I was so touched. 

Sometimes I literally did not have the ability to see the person.  I was in too much pain.  Other times I did. When I was up to it, a friend might come over and just sit with me.  As I began to talk, they listened.  They didn’t change the subject or begin telling their own story.  They listened.

We are trusting you with our story and feelings.  No advice needed, just listen.

3. Acknowledge Our Feelings

We realize you don’t know how we are feeling unless you have also lost a child. It was very comforting when someone would say to me, “I don’t know how you feel but I’m sorry that you have to feel this way and it’s okay.” 

Having my grief acknowledged was comforting.  A simple acknowledgment goes a long way to someone who is grieving. 

4. Be Specific When Offering To Help

“Let me know if you need anything.” I can’t tell you how many times I have personally said that to someone without being specific!  And now I realize from personal experience, that we are not necessarily going to tell you if we need anything. So it’s helpful to be specific in offering what you can do for that person. Many people did that for me and it was greatly appreciated.  I didn’t have to think.  They thought for me and acted upon it. 

5. Send A Text

I’ve said many times to whoever was listening, that texting was the best invention ever! Maybe it’s because I’m just not a phone person.

When someone is grieving, sending a text can be an easy way to reach out to express your condolences. I had so many people reach out to me through text.  I was so appreciative of their kind words but I also appreciated that I didn’t have to talk on the phone.  I could respond in my own time or not respond at all, if I chose.  And that was okay.

Carrying on a phone conversation was much more difficult for me than a text conversation.  

6. I Know You Will Never Get Over It

My daughter has been gone almost a year.  You may not expect me to be “over it” yet.  But will you think I should be “over it” in 18 months or 8 years? Please keep in mind we will never get over it. If you acknowledge that, it lets us know you are trying to understand our grief.

I watched a powerful TED talk where a woman talked about the grief over losing her husband.  It was a powerful message.  She said, “You don’t get over it.  You don’t move on. You just move           forward.“

7. I’m Thinking About You

6 months, 4 years or 20 years from now, we will still be grieving the loss of our child.  We may seem to have “moved on” but we are still thinking about them all the time. By reaching out to let us know you’re thinking about us, means you’re also thinking about our child.  That means the world to us.

Thank you to everyone who has been in my corner since September 11, 2019.  Your love and support helped me more than you’ll ever know.

I love you all.

Thanks for reading.

Karen