What I Didn’t Know About Addiction

I didn’t know anything about addiction.  Why would I?  I mean why would I even register that thought in my mind?  No one in my family was affected by it and I lived in my little suburban bubble thinking nothing like that would ever touch my family.  So, no, I didn’t know about addiction.

But NOW I know.  Of course, I know.  It’s how I lost my daughter to this insidious disease.

I Learned About Addiction

I learned about addiction the hard way.  By living through the experience.  I was incredibly naïve about addiction but a quick learner.  I read and did my research.  I attended enlightenment days, support groups and attended a 12-step program for families of addicts. 

Yep, I learned about addiction alright.  I learned that watching your child slowly kill themselves and become a person you no longer recognize is devastating.  The pain of someone you love dealing with addiction is heartbreaking, sad, and frightening. 

I Was Doing The Best I Could

The toughest lesson I had to learn was that I was doing the best I could at the time. 

But I certainly didn’t think I was when living with the anger, stress, heartbreak, fear and frustration.  I was living in addiction with Kelsey. I may not have been using the drugs but I was living a chaotic, insane and stressful life.  Just like Kelsey was.  And I didn’t know what to do.

During that time, I did my best with what I knew.  And I began to learn, grow and know better so I was able to do better.  And with that, came forgiveness.  I was able to forgive Kelsey and also, forgive myself. 

The saddest part for me at the time, and it still makes me so very sad, is that Kelsey was never able to forgive herself. 

I Didn’t Know

• I didn’t know that addiction is a family disease and it would tear my family apart.
• I didn’t know that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.
• I didn’t know addiction is a disease that can be arrested but never cured. 
• I didn’t know I would enter a world of insanity where I would keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. 
• I didn’t know the difference between helping and enabling and had to learn the hard way.
• I didn’t know that my daughter would be so desperate for money to use that she would steal from us.
• I didn’t know that I would become obsessed with trying to fix my daughter’s addiction so I would obsessively track her phone calls and her car.
• I didn’t know that when she refused to go to rehab, I would kick her out of the house and she would live in her car.  
• I didn’t know I would help her buy drugs so she would have dirty urine to get into rehab.
• I didn’t know that addiction was a disease of the body, mind and spirit. 
• I didn’t know it destroys an addict physically by rotting their teeth, having their skin break out, collapsing their veins and losing their appetite so their body melts away.
• I didn’t know that it affects their mind by slowing cognitive functioning, inhibiting their ability to make rational decisions and affecting their memory. 
• I didn’t know that their spirit is destroyed.  Their self-esteem becomes non-existent and it strips them of any feelings of goodness they ever felt about themselves.  They feel ashamed, guilty helpless and hopeless.
• I didn’t know that an addict will live with the fear of relapse for the rest of their lives.
• I didn’t know that my daughter’s addiction would continue for 10+ years and eventually rob her of her life.

NOW I Know

• Now I know that an addict does NOT want to live like this but it’s difficult to get out of the cycle of addiction.
• Now I know that an addict can recover by working a 12-step program but they will have to work it for the rest of their lives.
• Now I know that I had to change before anyone else in my life would change.
• Now I know that addiction is NOT a choice.  The first time they pick up is a choice.  But the drugs take over the receptors in their brain and it is NOT a choice. 
• Now I know that addiction is a disease. 
• Now I know that addiction can be arrested but never cured.
• Now I know that every addict is someone’s family member who, hopefully, loves them and doesn’t want to see them living this way.
• Now I know that it was my daughter who was the family member that I loved and didn’t want to see living this way. 
• Now I know that I forgave my daughter and she always knew that I loved her unconditionally. She knew that on the day she died and that’s all that matters. 

Karen