The First Year Of Grief

“Well, now you have the ‘year of firsts’ to deal with” my friend mentioned when we were talking about Kelsey’s passing.  I paused for a minute and then it hit me. I forgot about that dreaded year of firsts! It’s the date that comes every month to remind of us of the day our child died.  Or that first holiday without them. The first year of grief brings dates that are sad reminders that our child is no longer here with us.

I was expecting to be extremely sad on Thanksgiving and Christmas.  But was surprised at how heartbroken I felt when Valentine’s Day and Easter rolled around. Grief triggers surges of emotions that are sometimes unexpected but a part of the grieving process. This first year of grief has not been easy.

Kelsey passed on September 11th so the 11th of each month became a significant date during this first year of grief. I knew I would want to “do something special” each month to remember Kelsey. This is my list of things we did to honor Kelsey during our “year of firsts.”

Healing Grief The 11th Of Every Month

MONTH 1 – October 11th

It was the 1st month since Kelsey passed and I felt this obligation to do something to honor my daughter.  I had no plan and could barely get out of bed.  But I had expectations that I should do something to acknowledge the day.  When this didn’t happen the way I expected, I felt let down and disappointed.  In my mind, Month 1 turned out to be a disaster.

However, as these months and dates passed, I’ve been learning to lower my expectations and let the grief lead me to where I need to be.

MONTH 2 – November 11th

In 2015, Kelsey and I spent 5 days in Florida.  She was working on her recovery at the time so it was a great trip.  We took a walk in “Serenity Walk Park,” where we took pictures of the foliage, commented on the dead palm trees, almost got lost and Kelsey posed for a variety of pictures.

For Month 2, my husband and I took a walk in “Serenity Walk Park” where I reenacted one of Kelsey’s poses, we took pictures of the foliage, did not get lost and left a seashell we colored under one of the palms.

The First Thanksgiving – November 28th

I always host Thanksgiving at my house.  Over the years, Kelsey used to make little place cards out of construction paper for everyone at the table.  This 1st Thanksgiving without her, I pulled out these cards for the table.  Everyone enjoyed seeing them again and laughing at the drawings she put on each one.

We all wrote something we were thankful for on colored leaves I had printed and since the family was all together, I asked everyone to decorate an ornament for Kelsey. Each person decorated one side of a wooden ornament using markers, glitter and sparkles and wrote a message to Kelsey on the other side.

MONTH 3 – December 11th

When Kelsey was young, we would drive around the neighborhood looking at Christmas lights during the Christmas season.  So, for Month 3, we decided to go to one of Kelsey’s favorite restaurant chains and we drove around the neighborhood looking at Christmas lights. 

The First Christmas – December 25th

As I mentioned in The First Thanksgiving, we made ornaments for Kelsey so I put them on a special “Kelsey tree.” Kelsey and I were always on the hunt for that perfect angel to sit on top of the family Christmas tree. We never really found her so I bought an angel for the top of her tree. I know she would think this was the perfect angel to sit on top of her tree.

We celebrated Christmas Eve at our house as we always had. It’s hard to continue with traditions but as difficult as it was, it was better to be with family and friends even if Kelsey wasn’t with us. I hung up her stocking and placed a stuffed animal inside that my son and I had bought. Friends gave us a throw blanket with Keley’s picture printed on it. Jesse bought a tapestry to hang in her room and gave my husband and I an angel bracelet with her initials on it.

I sent everyone home with a little “favor” as a reminder of Kelsey. A Dollar Store tin mailbox with a candle inside. The attached tag asked family and friends to think of Kelsey when they lit the candle. The next day, we hopped in the car, headed to the airport and took a plane to Florida. We spent Christmas Day laying by the pool. I was grateful to escape the familiar surroundings at home.

MONTH 4 – January 11th

This was a month where we chose not do something “special” to remember Kelsey. We reminisced, cried and laughed together remembering our daughter.

MONTH 5 – February 11th

We had friends staying with us in Florida for two weeks. Although the pain was still very prevalent in my heart, I was able to relax and enjoy myself. So when the Month 5 date came and went without me noticing, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt the next day. How could I have forgotten the date my daughter died? But I realized it didn’t mean I had forgotten her.  It just meant I was able to forget about the aching pain for a day and for that, I was truly grateful.   

MONTH 6 – March 11th

Kelsey loved rainbows so I asked my husband if he would be willing to do a rainbow craft to remember Kelsey.  He agreed but did ask if I could get a “beginner level” craft for him! So, for Month 6, we made rainbow suncatchers.  We managed to get all the little colored crystals into their slots, bake them in the oven and hang them in the kitchen window.  We both knew how much Kelsey would have enjoyed watching her dad working so hard on making his suncatcher.

MONTH 7 – April 11th

During the month of April, I was kind of “stuck” alone in Florida due to the pandemic. For Month 7, I didn’t feel inspired to do something to remember the date. Instead I remembered my daughter as I do every day, with love, sadness and hope.

MONTH 8 – May 11th

I was still alone in Florida during the month of May.  I had previously purchased a thick carboard cut-out of a rainbow and decided now would be the perfect time to paint it.  So, for Month 8, I drew on the lines, painted the rainbow and clouds, printed on a rainbow quote & Kelsey’s name and placed it in the window next to the suncatchers.

MONTH 9 – June 11th

Kelsey’s birthday is June 14^th so I knew for Month 9, we would be celebrating her birthday. 

The First Birthday – June 14th

For Kelsey’s birthday, we celebrated with family, blew out candles on a cake and colored flags for her flag day birthday to put on the “Kelsey Tree.”

MONTH 10 – July 11th

Our friends came over for dinner for Month 10.  When we received the news that Kelsey passed away, these were the friends who were there.  It was an unspoken “knowing” that we were having dinner together on that date.

MONTH 11 – August 11th

After much internal angst about writing a blog, then months of writing, editing, developing and designing, I felt ready to launch my website.  What better date than on the 11th?  So, for Month 11, I launched my blog, The Sacred Rainbow. It’s been a true labor of love and a love letter to my daughter.

MONTH 12 – September 11th

This was the day I was dreading. The first year of grief was coming to a close. The anticipation of a date, especially this date, is what always gives me the most anxiety. As I began to plan, my anxiety grew. Jesse is my other voice of reason. He reminded me that I don’t need to pressure myself to do “too many things that day.” I knew he was right. It shouldn’t be stressful Sometimes we just need a reminder from someone who cares about us to help get us through the next hurdle.

So, we visited the Philadelphia Hope Fence where we placed a lock on the fence in honor of Kelsey. When the engraved lock I ordered didn’t arrive in time, I didn’t get upset. We improvised. Jesse bought a purple padlock to put on the fence and we wrote our names on the back. We ate lunch in the city at a restaurant overlooking the Delaware. It was perfect and it was enough.

On September 10th, family stopped by to show love and support. On September 12th, Kelsey’s boyfriend came over to hang out, eat and visit the park where her tree will be planted and her bench will be placed. It was perfect and it was enough.

And So, The Second Year Begins

The first year of grief has now come to an end and the second year will begin.  I’ve heard this year is harder than the first. This is the year when the true shock of losing our child has worn off and reality sets in. Our child is never coming home. This is what I’ve been told. I don’t know because I haven’t lived it yet. But I do know that despite the distress, pain and agony of this past year, I survived. I did so with love, hope and support. I will always try to remember that if I’ve been able to survive the first year without my daughter, I am strong enough to survive the rest of my life without her.

Thanks for reading!

Karen