Do I Need Grief Counseling?

Did I think I needed grief counseling after my daughter’s death?  Not really. 

Did you think you needed grief counseling after the death of your child?  Probably not.

How do you know when you should seek out professional help? 

Let me share my experience and the grief counseling benefits I gained.  And maybe it will help you make this important decision.

Why Would I Need Grief Counseling?

A few weeks after my daughter passed away, I met my friend for lunch.  I don’t’ know how I got out of bed to meet her for pizza but I did. We talked about Kelsey and how I was feeling.  Out of concern my friend asked, “So, do you think you’ll see someone for help?”

I’m a strong supporter of counseling and therapy so I was surprised by my own reaction.

I thought to myself, “Why would I do that?  Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, they don’t know how I’m handling this, blah, blah, blah.”  It never even occurred to me that I might need counseling.     

So I said, “Nah, I don’t really think I need to see anyone right now.”  Certainly, if I thought I needed the help I would look into it, I told her. 

Now, looking back, I know how I was “handling” it.  I was in shock.  And yes, I needed some help.

A Year Of Trauma

In the year before my daughter died, I had experienced the deaths and severe illness of close friends and family. 

I was dealing with trauma after trauma along with my daughter’s addiction and a demanding and stressful job.  And there was no time to process the grief between losses. 

I just kept going thinking I had no other choice.

When Kelsey passed, I thought I could grieve, suffer and cry on my own.  I was lucky to have the wonderful support of family and friends to help me through this.  Everyone’s been telling me I’m so strong.  I got this.

But I didn’t realize there was an explosion brewing and ready to explode.

I Began To Fall Apart

I’ve been involved in therapy before, both individual and family, so I understand the benefits. I do believe in getting the help you need when you’re struggling mentally or emotionally. But for me, there had been no breathing space between my losses and traumas. 

And now I see that I was numb to my grief.  I began to feel myself crumbling apart inside and then I started to fall apart.  I was nervous, my stomach felt like it was in a knot all the time, I couldn’t sleep and I felt like I just couldn’t get a grip. 

These feelings are normal reactions to trauma and loss and I’ve felt them before. But this time felt different.  It was much more intense. Finally, I knew I needed to reach out for help. 

Have you been experiencing any of these same feelings?  Maybe it’s time for you to reach out for help.  I think we sometimes feel like we can handle these traumas on our own.  But what we really need is a professional to help us navigate through our feelings. 

I’m sharing this because I hope no one ever lets their grief get to this point before they get professional help.  I just didn’t realize how much I needed help even before Kelsey passed away.  It would have helped me deal with the trauma of previous deaths and illness. 

There Are No Such Thing As Coincidences. The Search Begins

I began my search like I do most things; research.  Grief counseling was the specific type of counseling I was looking for and knew I needed. My cousin, who is a counselor, and my previous therapist both recommended the same person.  This counselor had a website full of information regarding grief, spirituality and the afterlife. Something clicked and on the advice of my cousin, I knew I had found my person.

I believe there are no coincidences and things happen for a reason.  Kelsey was leading me to exactly where I needed to be. Kelsey led me to my counselor.

My Grief & Loss Journey

During our first session, we talked about the loss of my daughter and how the loss of a child feels like no other. But before we got into the real ‘grief work,’ it was important for me to share what I called “my grief & loss journey” with her. I instinctively knew I needed to lay the foundation of my grief and loss background. I knew it would be important to my healing.

My journey began with the death of a very close uncle.  Over the next 20 years I experienced the deaths of a close aunt, both of my parents, both of my in-laws, my sister, my cousin, my best friend and a few very close friends of Kelsey’s.  And some of these came over the course of the last year and a half so were very fresh in my mind. 

My counselor told me that when someone passes away, it “brings up” other grief we’ve previously experienced in our lives.   And we may experience that grief all over again. That made sense to me. Because of this, grieving our current loss will sometimes be much more intense.  Especially if we haven’t reconciled, processed or dealt with the previous death of a loved one.

So we talked about some of the losses I had mentioned to her.  She would have me recall what I loved about that person, what made them special to me and what positive memories I had.  It felt wonderful to do this with her. 

She taught me how to deal with these losses by having a journal where I could write to each one of them.  She suggested picking one person at a time.  Then write to that person for 10-15 minutes a day for about 5-7 days in a row.

Journaling About Loss

Life is so complicated, busy, and just full of everyday bullshit.  I really thought I grieved sufficiently when someone I loved had passed away.  I thought I took as long as I needed and then just moved forward with my life. 

However, doing this exercise of writing to the people in my life who had passed felt freeing. It released some internal pain I was holding onto and it was very cleansing and rewarding. It made me really think about my loved ones, many of whom I hadn’t thought about in a long time.

And if there was something I hadn’t quite worked through regarding a person’s passing, I could do it here, in my journal.  This has been a great tool for sharing feelings that have been bottled up inside, sometimes for many years. I’ll be honest, there’s more work to be done by me in this area. But now I have a tool to help me with this grief.

If you seek professional help, this may not be a strategy that your counselor will use.  But for me, it helped lay the foundation I needed to begin the work of grieving Kelsey’s passing.

The Benefits Of Grief Counseling

The benefits of seeking a professional to help deal with my grief have been wonderful. I have a good support system but to have that objective feedback is extremely important in processing feelings about grief. I leave every session feeling like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Talking with my counselor about my grief gave me the confidence to express whatever I was feeling in a safe space. And I also knew these feelings would be acknowledged. She reassured me when I thought I was moving too fast in my grief. She reminded me that everyone grieves in their own time. And perhaps, in my case, since I had suffered a lot of losses over the years, I’ve learned to move forward a bit more quickly. And that’s okay.

We talked about how energy never dies and it’s all around us.  Books, ideas and strategies, such as breathing and tapping techniques, have been offered to me and have been extremely beneficial. It’s because of the things I learned through grief counseling, that I’ve been able to maneuver through my grief.

If you are still suffering with your grief, I encourage you to seek out professional help. They are trained to deal with the emotions we may be struggling with and can offer insights into how and why we grieve as we do. And then, they can offer suggestions to help us through our grief.

It was the best thing I ever did for myself and I will be forever grateful to her. I hope you, too, can find this same level of support if and when you seek professional counseling to help deal with your grief.

Thank you so much for reading.

Karen