How I Survived My First Mother’s Day Without My Daughter
Mother’s Day is not a holiday any grieving mother looks forward to, wants to acknowledge or celebrate. I didn’t know how I would feel on this mother’s day since it was my first since the loss of Kelsey. But I survived my first mother’s day without my daughter.
You might anticipate waking up late and staying in bed all day. Going out for that special breakfast or dinner just doesn’t feel right. You won’t be scrolling Facebook knowing it will be filled with photos of mothers, sons and daughters celebrating together.
It’s not that you resent or are jealous of other moms. You just want your child next to you. You want your child back.
I Made It Through My 1st Mother’s Day
I don’t know what it will be like in the upcoming years. But for this year, I really wasn’t sure how I would survive my 1st Mother’s Day without my daughter being here.
We know that the 2nd Sunday in May is the day we celebrate being a mother. If we’re lucky enough to still have our own mother, we will be celebrating her. If we have other children, they will be celebrating us. But mother’s who have lost a child know someone is missing. It’s a gaping hole in our heart that feels raw.
Whether it’s been 8 months, 8 or 18 years, that gaping hole is always there. Especially on Mother’s Day.
I wanted to share my story of how I survived the 1st Mother’s Day without my daughter. I got through it and it was a good day. I have no magic solution to share as to how I got through. I just did what felt right for me. That’s all any of us can do. But I do hope you did something that felt right for you and you survived another Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day Flower Pots
I think sometimes it’s the anticipation of an event that gives us such anxiety. At least that’s the way it usually works with me. I was fully expecting to feel this anxiety the week leading up to Mother’s Day. But I was surprised when I wasn’t as anxious as I thought I’d be. Earlier in the week I made a plan of how to include my daughter in my day. Maybe that helped ease the anxiety.
Due to the pandemic, I had been alone in Florida, self-isolating, for 8 weeks. My husband and son were at our house in a suburb outside of Philadelphia. So, for Mother’s Day, my husband suggested we do a Zoom call where we could face time and connect with each other. I thought it was a great idea.
But I also had an idea.
For Mother’s Day several years ago, I asked that my kids and husband to paint clay flower pots with me. I thought it would be a fun way to spend the day together. And I’d get some colorful flower pots out of the deal.
My daughter loved the idea and was very enthusiastic. The boys, not so much. But everyone stepped up their game, joined in the painting session and we had a great time. And I still have those pots.
Zoom Painting Party
So, my idea for this year was to paint clay flower pots like we had done in 2012. But we’d be doing it over a Zoom call. I figured it would be a nice way to include Kelsey and feel like she was painting with us. The guys were on board.
I went to Walmart and bought my pots and paint. They went to the local garden store and bought theirs. Luckily, I had some paint at home they could use. Think it might have been a disaster if they had to shop for paint at the craft store.
I purposely woke up late on Sunday so the day wouldn’t drag.
I had quite a few text messages waiting for me on my phone. It was so nice that family and friends reached out to me knowing it was going to be a tough day for me. That kept me busy in the morning responding to texts and then setting up for our “painting party.”
We painted and zoomed, zoomed and painted. It was really fun to watch how “into it” both the guys got painting their pots.
A Special Gift Exchange From My Son
My husband told me that he and my son had each ordered me a gift. However, they wouldn’t arrive until next week with deliveries being slow. No problem.
The night before Mother’s Day it was surprising that a box from Amazon arrived. So much for the late delivery. When I opened the box I didn’t have a clue what it was; a square, plain wooden plank with a rope handle.
It was from my son and he explained it like this:
He bought the same item for himself so we both had one. We would each decorate our wooden plank however we wanted and then exchange them. So, we were basically designing and decorating the planks for each other. He said he knew it would be something I would like since “I’m into that kind of stuff!”
I don’t know if he meant the crafting part or the meaningful exchange but I was incredibly touched by his thoughtful gesture. For several minutes I gushed over the phone. He got embarrassed and told me to stop and reluctantly I did. However, I did have the biggest smile on my face for the rest of the night.
Coincidence? 2 More Gifts Arrive On Time
On Sunday as we were zooming, 2 more boxes arrived at my door. This couldn’t have been planned any better, especially since the delivery dates were for next week.
Coincidence? I think not. We all agreed that Kelsey had a hand in having my Mother’s Day gifts arrive that day. (And one of them a day early.)
An enormous tub of Johnson’s caramel popcorn from Ocean City, New Jersey (one of my favorites) arrived from my husband. A light-up wind chime for the outside porch was from my son.
Kelsey Was With Us
But the best part of the whole day was that we talked to Kelsey, about Kelsey and included Kelsey in our conversations. Kelsey might not have been painting a flower pot herself but she was right there with us.
My husband and son felt her and I know she was present. This knowing is a feeling you have in your gut. It doesn’t matter who “believes” you or not. You just know.
I Survived My 1st Mother’s Day!
So, I survived my 1st mother’s day without my daughter. The day was filled with some peace and love and for that I was so grateful.
I may have held up pretty well on Sunday, but by Tuesday, I had a total breakdown. Since I had such a nice Mother’s Day, I kind of figured something like this was bound to happen. You just never know when or where the grief will overcome you. And we all have those days so I knew I just had to embrace the feelings and go with it.
Major holidays and special life or family events are the hardest. But I knew “this too shall pass” and I would manage to pick myself back up and move through the pain. We never know how long it will take to move through the pain. But what we do know is there is no time limit on grief.
We are survivors and just for today, I survived my 1st Mother’s Day without Kelsey being by my side. It was a good day.
I hope you too, had a Mother’s Day where you felt the presence of your son or daughter and that brought you some peace.
So until next year, Happy Mother’s Day!
Karen
