The 2nd year of grief can be the most difficult, so I’ve been told. The initial shock has worn off and the “firsts” are over. Support from others begins to fade and the much anticipated, anxiety driven one-year anniversary has come and gone. The 2nd year of grief has begun.
So, now what?
It’s time for a reality check. Your loved one is not here and is not coming back. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Thus is the reality of the 2nd year of grief.
It’s been about 1 year and 9 months since Kelsey ‘s been gone. Bracing myself for this harder, 2nd year of grief was not easy. It felt like something was over, come to a conclusion and was final. And it was. As a result, I had to accept that Kelsey was really gone and was never coming back.
I grieved hard the first year and I dove head first into embracing my grief. Feelings of sadness, anger, emptiness and loss filled my soul. I knew I couldn’t run away but had to lean into my grief in order to heal. It felt like I wouldn’t survive but this was the only way I knew how to get through.
So, I honored Kelsey’s memory on the 11th of each month in ways that made me feel good. Listening to her music made me cry but also made me sing. I journaled and got professional help with a grief counselor. I built a website so I could write a blog about grief. Friends and family listened as I shared my pain, as well as, precious memories. Social media became an outlet where I could express my grief. And I talked to Kelsey, wrote to Kelsey and connected with Kelsey through a medium.
Doing the hard work of grieving has allowed me to heal and move forward. And now, I’m not just surviving each day but living each day.
Of course, there are still days of sadness, pain and emptiness. And it sucks. There are triggers and reminders of my loss all around. Crying while driving is still a thing for me.
But these moments don’t last too long. They come like a wave that knocks me down to the ocean floor. But I don’t stay there. I pull myself up from the tide and keep swimming. The heavy days are becoming much lighter. And those are the days that allow me to laugh, experience peace and feel joy. I’ve come to realize that I’m no longer doing the work of grieving but doing the work of living.
Kelsey is still part of my life because I have consciously chosen to include her in it. I talk to her and make sure she’s feeling my living. Her physical form may not be present but her energy is all around, surrounding my personal space.
I will always be Kelsey’s mom. And as her mom, I don’t want to disappoint her. So that’s why, in this 2nd year of grief, I’m trying to live my best life. Experiencing new things and enjoying the world around me is helping me do this.
Because now I’m not just living for myself but I’m living for the both of us.
Thanks for reading! Karen
You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself!
Thank you so much, Linda! That makes my heart feel good.
I feel sometimes that it’s like music in my soul that comes flowing out onto the page. And it helps my healing!
Hi Karen. Your writing is beautiful and so relatable. I understand everything you say as I’ve lost my mom, dad and husband in 2020 and I’m working through my grief as well. I’m entering the second year for my mom and husband. My dad passed in December 2020, from Covid, so that “anniversary “ has not happened yet. My son, has struggled with addiction for 17 years and overdosed the month before my husband, his dad passed. I’ll be traveling to California in a week to present him with his one year chip. I don’t have answers and although I’ve lost my parents and husband in one years time, it would not compare to losing my child. I pray you continue your journey to live your best life as I know that’s what Kelsey would want for her mom. ❤️
Hi Lisa, Wow, you have also suffered quite a lot of trauma in a short period of time and for that I’m sorry. Losing anyone who is close to us is so very hard but losing a child does feel different. It fills my heart when I hear that someone who struggles with addiction is doing well and I’m happy for your son. It’s awesome that you get to present him with his 1 year chip! Embrace that moment because, as we know, it’s such a slippery slope for our addicts and this insidious disease. I hope that you, too, will be able to work through the grief you are feeling and live a happy life!
Hi Karen,
I can relate to where you are coming from. I am in my second year of grieving as well. Like you said the grief comes in waves.
I but my grieving off to a point because I felt I needed to be strong for Tom and my girls. Once I realized they were doing better I let my grief take over me. I’m bouncing back a little each day. The realization that Tommy is never coming back is a hard pill to swallow. Tommy’s old girlfriend had a reading with a medium and he came through loud and clear and sent a lot of messages to us through her. His messages helped me do much. He let us know that he is with God and is happy and at peace. That was music to my ears.
I’m getting ready to retire for the second time. I’ll be done on June 17th for good. After that it’s time to get our house ready to sell and after that we are moving to the shore house.
May God Bless you and all Mothers who have lost a child.
Love,
Dorothy
Dorothy, I am so happy you’re finally at that place to retire! And moving to the shore house will be especially cleansing for you. I can relate to that because when I’m down in Florida, I feel so much more at peace. We’re doing the same thing. Trying to clean out and getting ready, in few years, to move full-time to Florida. It’s amazing how much the medium has given me incredible comfort. Hearing Kelsey talk to me through her is a gift that I truly cherish. And knowing that she is safe and finally at peace, as you said about Tommy, makes this pain we go through worth it. I’m glad that you are working through your grief. It’s the hardest thing we have ever gone through. God Bless You too, Dorothy.
I love you Karen, and will always, always be here for you. I am heartened that you’re into a new phase and your dark times are a little less dark. I love when you talk about Kelsey and share special memories with “the girls”. Keep on keepin’ on my friend!
Diane, you are the best and I love you too. I appreciate you’re friendship and allowing me the space and comfort to share.
What a beautiful essay. Thanks for sharing your feelings and experience.
Thank you, Kim. It’s not easy, as you know, but I can only move forward because I know that will release Kelsey, as well.
I meant your Gypsy at WDR in 2017 … She was as Inspiring Then as Your Words are Now Karen …
I meant your Gypsy at WDR in 2017….. Just Beautiful.. I See Where She Got It.. You Are Admired.. It’s Such a Struggle to Know What Our New Normal is to Be After Our Loved One is Gone…. Your Words Today Definitely Helped…. Thank You Karen… 🖤
Hi Renee, Everyday is a struggle but I keep trying to move forward and include Kelsey in my life. Thank you for your beautiful words about Kelsey. I know that she is finally at peace. I hope you are continuing to do well.