Addiction & Grief Journal

I certainly never set out thinking that I would someday call my journal an addiction and grief journal. But these are my own words about how I felt dealing with the addiction of my daughter and then the grief of losing her. Maybe by sharing what I was going through, you’ll know you’re not alone in the painful experience of living with the addiction of your child.

2011 Journal Entries

11/10/11

“Today I help Kelsey on her road to recovery.  I’m here for her every minute and I am trying to fill her day with positive experiences.”

11/17/11

“Kelsey is having a rough night.  Wants to hang out with someone so it seems to be hitting her more today and the night is looming ahead of her.  Told her that she can’t go anywhere.  She’s basically in rehab at home but it’s hard for her.  I’m totally spent!”

2012 Journal Entries

2/9/12

“Kelsey had a drug relapse but other than that she’s doing really well and I think she is working hard to find herself.  She’s reading a lot and going to see her counselor 2x a week plus doing Yoga.  All positive things in her life.”

“Some of the friends she is socializing with are giving me pause because it is bringing up old feelings of who Kelsey socialized with previously—usually a bunch of losers!”

3/8/12

“Up half the night with worry about Kelsey so sleep pattern is off.  Went for a counseling session with Kelsey, which she was extremely upset about and I am emotionally drained.  I’m drained but I won’t give up on having Kelsey get her life on track.”

5/10/12

“Reading a few pages back in my notebook is interesting.  It was March and I was dealing with all of this same stuff with Kelsey then.  It’s just this constant up and down of emotions because one minute I’ll feel good about a conversation we had and think she gets it and the next she is making some poor decision or acting out.”

“I love her so much and want her to be happy.  She just had 2 more car accidents in a matter of 5 days!”

11/12/12

Dear Kelsey, Sitting here wondering where it all went wrong. I failed you somewhere in your life and for that I am truly sorry. I wasn’t as “tuned in” to you as I thought I was. My love for you has never wavered. You will always be my special “sweet pea.” Drugs may ease the pain deep down in your psyche but just don’t think it’s about drugs. You have no sense of self and you have to find that. I want to help you and I feel your pain and see that you feel worthless and stuck and wondering where your life is going. But I am tired and I can only do so much. You have to do the rest-well you really have to do all of it. It’s hard work and painful but I know you can do it but you have to be strong.”

11/13/12

Discovered this weekend that Kelsey is using again. Some suspicious behaviors but I guess we fell into a sort of complacency and I didn’t really put it all together. Tonight we have a meeting with the counselor to basically do an intervention and convince her to go to rehab. I have hoped, prayed and worked with her to help her try and gain some sense of who she is. I see a truly sweet, kind, loving and caring young woman. She doesn’t usually demonstrate these traits to us but I know they are there. I wish she could see them and know them about herself.

Life is a struggle for her; she has so many issues she has had to deal with so I totally empathize and sympathize with her. I think that’s what has gotten me into trouble. Perhaps my love and protection has just enabled her even more to not face adulthood. Kelsey used to tell me she didn’t want to grow up and she was afraid she wouldn’t have any memories to share of her childhood with her kids like I would share my childhood memories with her. I never realized how much emotional pain she has been in over the years.

WOW! Just took a few minutes to reread some of my entries and back in February and March we were still having the same behavior problems with Kelsey. I just want things to get better and not just for Kelsey but for all of us. The stress is so hard to bear. It affects each of the relationships within our family. It’s just so sad!

Well there you have it for now. My raw and honest feelings exposed for everyone to see. It hasn’t been easy rereading what I wrote or putting my words out into cyber space . I’ve called this   A Mother’s Addiction And Grief Journal. But for now, I’m only able to share entries about living with Kelsey’s addiction. When Kelsey passed, I began writing in a special journal that I called “Kelsey’s Journal.” I haven’t read any of those entries yet. I’m not ready. But when I do read them, I hope to be able to share a few entries with you. Just like everything else with regard to grief, there is no time line.

Until next time, thanks for reading.

Karen